August 15, 2017

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Fruit bat that looks uncannily like Star Wars Jedi Master Yoda is officially recognized as new species

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on August 15, 2017 at 10:49 AM
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NOW THEY'RE 'ROAD STUDS'

Council renames ‘cats eyes’ after American tourists thought they were really made from cats

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on August 15, 2017 at 10:46 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

AT SPEEDS APPROACHING 8 M.P.H.

Police chase down man attempting to drive off in stolen steamroller

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

Posted by Dave on August 15, 2017 at 10:40 AM
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UNLIKE THE POOP EMOJI

Smiley face emoticons make you seem incompetent, claim scientists

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

Posted by Dave on August 15, 2017 at 10:39 AM
Permalink | Comments (5)

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Iguana returned to Rye home after biting cyclist

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Poker)

Posted by Dave on August 15, 2017 at 10:36 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

THE ECLIPSE

Here's your survival guide.

Posted by Dave on August 15, 2017 at 10:25 AM
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August 14, 2017

'IT'S FRUITIST'

Pineapples have appeared on a list of items banned from this year's Reading and Leeds Festivals, alongside fireworks and weapons.

(Thanks to Guin)

Posted by Dave on August 14, 2017 at 03:02 PM
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A FLORIDA PILOT'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Slidell police arrest man for doing 'donuts' on airport runway

(Thanks to Bayou Girl)

Posted by Dave on August 14, 2017 at 03:00 PM
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AND IN SPORTS

Georgia man repeats as kale-eating champ

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on August 14, 2017 at 02:49 PM
Permalink | Comments (9)

TIME TO EVACUATE THE CONTINENT

An Australian dad vacuuming his house called for help when he made an unexpected discovery -- a venomous snake hiding next to his baby's crib.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

Posted by Dave on August 14, 2017 at 02:49 PM
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WE'LL PASS, THANKS

Meet the ‘Poo Bomber’: A woman who shoplifts then defecates in the store before leaving

(Thanks to Iron Mouth, mezrap and Al Barkafski)

Posted by Dave on August 14, 2017 at 10:10 AM
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WE SAW R.S.F.W.G.P. OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Billions of randy super-fleas with giant PENISES set to plague homes as a result of Britain's soggy summer

(Thanks to Ralph and Roberto)

Posted by Dave on August 14, 2017 at 10:09 AM
Permalink | Comments (9)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

A furious bride-to-be snapped in a row with her fiance, driving for three-and-a-half miles with him on the bonnet of a new £60,000 Range Rover he paid for after she caught him smoking.

(Thanks to Roberto, who asks: "Is 'riding on the bonnet' some English euphemism?") (Also thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on August 14, 2017 at 10:05 AM
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SUUUUUURE

Banker claims he accidentally flew to LAS VEGAS instead of returning to his pregnant wife in Britain following a business trip in Germany after 'airline staff failed to notice he had the wrong tickets and he fell asleep'

(Thanks to Roberto)

Posted by Dave on August 14, 2017 at 10:02 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO RETURN TO WONDERLAND

Man destroys liquor store construction site, blames 'hookah-smoking caterpillar'

Grace Slick could not be reached for comment.

(Thanks to Jane in Kenai, Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

Posted by Dave on August 14, 2017 at 10:01 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

August 13, 2017

FROM THE TEAM AT FUDAN U

Scientists develop a flexible battery that can run on tears, sweat or even URINE

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

Posted by Dave on August 13, 2017 at 11:24 AM
Permalink | Comments (11)

MEANWHILE IN THE NATION'S CULTURAL CENTER

New York women have discovered that creepy men are using the iPhone AirDrop app to send them photos of their privates while on the same train.

(Thanks to Roberto)

Posted by Dave on August 13, 2017 at 11:23 AM
Permalink | Comments (8)

THE PARENTAL HOLDING CELL HAS ALSO BEEN MODERNIZED

Chuck E. Cheese's new look is way different from what you remember as a kid

(Thanks to Steve K., who says "I've heard they now have boxing gloves for rent.")

Posted by Dave on August 13, 2017 at 11:16 AM
Permalink | Comments (10)

TRAFFIC REPORT

At approximately 10:44 this morning, CHP received a report of a large amount of fish guts on Hwy 101 between Trinidad and Orick.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

Posted by Dave on August 13, 2017 at 11:11 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

AFTER A TRANSFUSION HE WAS ON HIS WAY

Firefighters responded to report of possible body in creek. They found Dracula.

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on August 13, 2017 at 11:10 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

August 12, 2017

IN THAT CASE, SIR....

Sex offender accused of masturbating in park blames groundhog

(Thanks to Ralph, and L. Raymond, who says: "Groundhogs are just squirrels who are afraid of heights, right?")

Posted by Dave on August 12, 2017 at 12:30 PM
Permalink | Comments (13)

JUST SHOOT US

The cast of Jersey Shore have confirmed a reunion is happening!

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, who says "Somehow I find North Korean nukes more comforting.")

Posted by Dave on August 12, 2017 at 12:28 PM
Permalink | Comments (11)

THEY CAN STILL LEGALLY DRIVE IN FLORIDA

Goldfish make ALCOHOL in their cells to survive months without oxygen in icy waters - and it may even help them 'lose their inhibitions', say scientists

(Thanks to Roberto and Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on August 12, 2017 at 12:16 PM
Permalink | Comments (4)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR DEF LEPPARD

Naked Zookeepers.

Advisory: Naked zookeepers.

(Thanks to funny man)

Posted by Dave on August 12, 2017 at 12:13 PM
Permalink | Comments (8)

August 11, 2017

AS IF NORTH KOREA IS NOT ENOUGH OF A THREAT

...the South Carolina Emergency Management Division (SCEMD) sent out a bulletin asking residents to be on the lookout for Lizard Man during the upcoming solar eclipse on August 21st.

(Thanks to funny man)

Related: Has the Chupacabra been spotted in the Carolinas?

(Thanks to manual tomato)

Posted by Dave on August 11, 2017 at 02:02 PM
Permalink | Comments (8)

MORE LIKE AN OTTODUDE

Ottoman delivered to Olympia furniture store with marijuana inside

(Thanks to B'game)

Posted by Dave on August 11, 2017 at 11:19 AM
Permalink | Comments (8)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Drunken man sets scooter ablaze because he ‘got mad’ at it, cops say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "You have to show these things who's the boss.")

Posted by Dave on August 11, 2017 at 11:16 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

THANKS, SCIENTISTS!

Scientists create the first mutant ants

(Thanks to Ray Reese, Jeff Meyerson and Al Barkafski, who says "What's next? Squirrels?")

Posted by Dave on August 11, 2017 at 11:12 AM
Permalink | Comments (13)

FLATHEAD: THE COUNTY THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

Authorities began receiving reports of an individual posing as a U.S. Coast Guard officer and riding around Flathead Lake on a Jet Ski over the last month.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

Posted by Dave on August 11, 2017 at 11:09 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

JUST AS INEDIBLE AS WHEN IT WAS NEW

'Perfectly preserved' century-old fruitcake found in Antarctic hut

(Thanks to Lisa Aschkenasy, Ralph, The Perts. W. von Papineau and keithintampa)

Posted by Dave on August 11, 2017 at 10:48 AM
Permalink | Comments (13)

MEANWHILE IN THE ARTS

This happened.

(Thanks to Roberto)

Posted by Dave on August 11, 2017 at 10:47 AM
Permalink | Comments (12)

ALL PART OF THEIR MASTER PLAN

Squirrel starts fire, spoiling 82,000 litres of milk in Burnaby

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and Roberto)

Posted by Dave on August 11, 2017 at 10:45 AM
Permalink | Comments (2)

WE'RE TOO TIRED TO USE IT

This calculator will tell you how much sleep you've lost since having kids

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

Posted by Dave on August 11, 2017 at 10:42 AM
Permalink | Comments (2)

WE WANT TO BELIEVE THIS IS FAKE

Dallas mum demands that solar eclipse 2017 be moved to the school holiday

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on August 11, 2017 at 10:41 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

August 10, 2017

FASHION UPDATE

Nudity is the new black

Advisory: Duh, nudity.

(Thanks to funny man)

Posted by Dave on August 10, 2017 at 03:27 PM
Permalink | Comments (10)

THEY WERE WORKING WITH THE SQUIRRELS

An Irish lawmaker has blamed a damaged road on malicious activity by fairies.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

Posted by Dave on August 10, 2017 at 03:24 PM
Permalink | Comments (6)

AND IT WORKED!

Residents Who Lost Home In Fire Were Trying To Ward Off Evil Spirits

(Thanks to Kelvin Yund and Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on August 10, 2017 at 03:22 PM
Permalink | Comments (3)

WATCH OUT, NORTH KOREA

Taco Bell testing Firecracker Burritos sprinkled with popping candy

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on August 10, 2017 at 03:19 PM
Permalink | Comments (8)

TRAGICALLY, PEPPERONI WAS INVOLVED

Truck spills DiGiorno, Tombstone pizza on I-30 in Arkansas

(Thanks to funny man, Rick Day, Not My Usual Alias and Le Petomane, who says "I doubt the driver got a tip.")

Posted by Dave on August 10, 2017 at 03:16 PM
Permalink | Comments (9)

START SPREADING THE NEWS; I'M LEAVING TODAY

Brazen NYC rats reportedly jumping into strollers to steal snacks

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Posted by Dave on August 10, 2017 at 03:08 PM
Permalink | Comments (5)

BUT DO DEMAND TO SEE ITS FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

If you see Bigfoot, ‘please do not shoot,’ SC police say after NC sighting

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

Posted by Dave on August 10, 2017 at 10:31 AM
Permalink | Comments (10)

SEND THIS PURSE TO WASHINGTON

Woman's purse catches fire at Nevada city council meeting

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

Posted by Dave on August 10, 2017 at 10:29 AM
Permalink | Comments (6)

'UNIMPRESSED?' HE'S NEARLY SUICIDAL.

BBC News presenter Simon McCoy seems unimpressed with story about surfing dogs

"Just bear in mind that it is August."

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on August 10, 2017 at 10:24 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Bride uses 8ft catapult to launch bouquet through air at excited wedding guests

Technically, it was a trebuchet.

(Thanks to Roberto)

Posted by Dave on August 10, 2017 at 10:20 AM
Permalink | Comments (15)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

The Optimal Time to Dunk an Oreo, According to Science

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Posted by Dave on August 10, 2017 at 10:13 AM
Permalink | Comments (16)

HEY, IT DEPENDS ON THE SCHOOL

Walmart apologizes for sign marketing guns as back-to-school items

Autoplay.

(Thanks to PirateBoy and Jon Harris)

Posted by Dave on August 10, 2017 at 10:11 AM
Permalink | Comments (7)

August 09, 2017

WHATEVER TIPPED THEM OFF, DUDE?

Birmingham woman in 'Weed World' van busted with $98,000 in pot, Chicago police say

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on August 9, 2017 at 06:28 PM
Permalink | Comments (5)

THOSE BASTARDS

In this week’s Arlington County Police Department crime report, a Rosslyn resident called police to report that someone broke into their apartment and cleaned it.

(Thanks to Joe Green)

Posted by Dave on August 9, 2017 at 06:24 PM
Permalink | Comments (9)

KEEP THIS UP AND IT WILL BE 10 MILLION

A Beeb employee did not appear to realise the strip show on his computer screen was being beamed to 3.8million viewers

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

Posted by Dave on August 9, 2017 at 06:19 PM
Permalink | Comments (6)

HE SHOWED 'SIGNS OF BEING HIGH'

Man causes stir by smoking pot in Portland courtroom

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Posted by Dave on August 9, 2017 at 03:39 PM
Permalink | Comments (6)

 
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